dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
