I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
