3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
