I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
