Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
