also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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