My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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