I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
