she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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