Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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