I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
