I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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