My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
