I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
