Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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