eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
