I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I could fuck to npr.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
