Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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