I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
