I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
