I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
