Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
