Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
