Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
