I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
