i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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