The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Randomize
