Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
