I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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