I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
