I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
