you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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