She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
