god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
