My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
