Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
