ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
