Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
