Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So much rum. So many feels.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
