If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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