Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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