I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Someone came in the potted fern
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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