I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
