i just wanna soil my oats bro
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
