At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
