Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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