I think I died a long time ago.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
