Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Bring me that man meat
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
