a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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