Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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