Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
